Deprogramming Jessica

I haven't been as obsessed over thinking about all of this stuff lately, being more busy with the day to day and not having as much time to sit and ponder. But, as I was sitting on the lawnmower, a thought popped into my head regarding free will. One of the BIG questions is whether or not we have free will. Do we decide our destiny or does everything happen for a reason?  Some say it's both. I happen to believe everything is random, meaning I do believe we have free will. To me it makes sense that I exist because my parents made a choice, not because I was destined to be here. Christians tend to avoid this topic. I can remember how I viewed the ideas of determinism and free will, as a Christian. They sell you this hybrid idea where everything happens for a reason, as a part of God's divine plan but where he gave humans free will so that they could CHOOSE to worship him instead of being programmed to.  There are a lot of reasons this is a problematic teaching, but today we a...

 I just realized something about myself.  I just figured out why my marriage works and why it has issues sometimes.  Believe it or not, it came to me while listening to/watching the video for Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails. To me, that song is everything I want a partner to think/feel about me. To me, that song is so hot.  Today it occurred to me why that is and it made me take pause. In order for me to love someone deeply, I have to be loved, needed and even above that, wanted by my partner. I want to hang the damn moon. And, I have that most of the time.  My need to be desired is probably the strongest need I have as far as my relationship goes. I have subconsciously made myself indispensable to my husband. I sometimes complain about how much he needs me to handle everything but deep down I think that I did that 100% by design. I made it so he can't live without me. Holy shit!  That song by NIN is a perfect example of how I expect to be thought of. I gue...

Yesterday was Easter. The first Easter I have been through as a free thinking person. That's how I have decided to identify myself at this point. Not as an agnostic atheist, though that may be true, but as a free thinking person. The fact that I am full of wonder trumps those other labels, in my estimation. At least this is the case for me.  So, how does Easter feel to me now, when I remove the central figure from it and how do I feel about the idea of that central figure? I have been thinking about the resurrection story and learning more about Jesus as a man and whether or not there is evidence to support the claim of him being God/man and if he was actually risen from the dead and if the reasons for this narrative even make sense.  My takeaways have been that there really isn't evidence to support Jesus being divine or risen or simultaneously God and man. Honestly, Easter as a celebration of rebirth as related to the spring equinox feels much less gross to me. Easter has al...