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Wyoming

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We're home from our whirlwind trip out west, for Zebbie's funeral. We left on Tuesday just after noon and drove our first stretch to western Wisconsin. It was about an 8 hour drive. Vic was excited when there was a brand new convertible Mustang available for our rental, and chose that. It was a much more comfortable ride than I expected. He loved driving it. The route around Chicago was a little stressful, but otherwise, it was pretty smooth. We went to a little bar and grill it Tomah, WI for supper. During our meal we got weather alerts on our phones for Wednesday. Blizzard warnings. Lovely.  We checked out the timing of the storm and wound up leaving the hotel around 5:30 AM to try to stay ahead of the weather, what we knew we'd run into, in Minnesota. We made it pretty far without driving in the snow, but did have an hour or so of sketchy roads. There was a big weather system coming up from the south and a 60 mph wind coming out of the north. Nebraska and Iowa got clobbe...
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Discomfort

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I will admit that one thing I dislike about being a person without any sort of faith is that I feel sort of empty in that I lost belief in any and all magic. Losing your religion you also lose the ability to gaslight yourself into thinking someone or something else is in control and pulling strings in your life and therefore you don't need to worry about anything. Losing the mindset of, 'things always work out like they are supposed to,' is very logical but it is also pretty scary.  I do miss being able to feel a sort of connection to nature and the universe. That is something I am almost desperate to get back. But, I find it very difficult when my brain is so determined to remind me that I am just a member of a species of primate with a very finite life on a rock hurtling through space. That can feel pretty bleak. And I have been feeling pretty down lately. I miss when I used to be able to self soothe by telling myself some bullshit. I have developed such black and white t...
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Who I Am Today

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I have changed a lot in the last three years. A lot. I have been thinking about that recently and I have a feeling that if certain people who have known me for most of my life, had a deep conversation with me today, they would be afraid and disappointed. They would definitely be upset. They wouldn't recognize me at all. I have deviated so much from what I was indoctrinated to believe that a lot of people wouldn't recognize me at all. They certainly wouldn't be able to relate to me. I think they would be terrified, honestly. I would bet they would be very uncomfortable. Maybe some would be intrigued. Most would be afraid. Maybe not afraid of me, really, but afraid of what they would learn. I think they would be very uncomfortable if the things I said challenged their belief system; what they use to understand reality and purpose and right/wrong. They would likely think about me and who they understood me to be, and wonder if they too, might be deceived by Satan to turn their...
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Dave

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Back when I was writing books, I encountered another writer named Dave. Dave was also a writer. He's a British man living in Spain. He was also an outspoken atheist. It wasn't a problem, but it was definitely a big part of his personality. In the past handful of years, Dave has faced what I assume is his first real taste of adversity in life. Like, where bad things happened in his life. His marriage ended. He lost one of his brothers after a brutal battle with cancer. These things really affected him. I can relate to trauma. I get it. But, imagine my surprise when he started posting things on social media like, photos of himself being baptized in a river, profile pictures of crosses and scripture. He has written and released a book called Come to the Table, where he lays out his story of salvation. I haven't read it. I don't need to. I know exactly what it says... Since releasing this book, Dave has become your typical newly converted, over the top, insufferable Christi...
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The Crutch

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The last three years have been quite the roller coaster and boy have things changed a lot for me since I finally made the conscious decision to leave not only religion, but faith behind. I can confidently say that at this point I am no longer struggling with what I believe or where I stand, though I still haven't made any public proclamations. I am not mad about it. I don't dislike people who are religious, so long as they are respectful and not pushy. But, I certainly have a very different perspective compared to just a few years ago.  I have come to one major conclusion about the need for religion. I do truly believe that there are people who need religion to survive and lead productive lives. There are people who, without the fear of eternal torture, would be wretched human beings causing unthinkable harm to others. For these people religion provides them with a conscience. Albeit a self serving one, but at least they're not out here raping everyone. There are people who...
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Thoughts After Another Loss

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My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly a little over a month ago. My relationship with my dad was a very special one. This loss was devastating.  As I have been moving through my grief process I have thought about how different my perspective on all of this is as an agnostic atheist. I guess I don't really know how I would process close losses as a Christian because both of the ones I have experienced have been since de-converting. This is not something I have shared with anyone. It's just my thoughts on it. If I did discuss it, I have an idea the kinds of questions I would be asked by someone who is a Christian. I know what kinds of things I would have asked, when I was a believer. I have pondered on those and also thought about how I might answer those questions.  The kinds of questions I would expect to be asked are things like: Isn't the idea of your dad's death terrifying without the belief in heaven and an afterlife? No. As a matter of fact, it is less terrify...
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Derealization, Kinda?

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Deconstruction has brought me a lot of peace, but it has also changed everything. It has caused me to view everything differently. And, I mean EVERYTHING. One of my big takeaways has to do with reality and it is equal parts terrifying and comforting. I have concluded that nothing is real and at the same time, everything is real. Is that derealization? I don't know. I kinda don't think so, because the reality I am referring to is not the physical reality. I do not question the things I experience with my senses. I believe that I exist in a physical realm and that in that physical realm exists all manner of other people, plants, animals, etc. When I talk about reality, I mean all social constructs. I'm talking about society. I'm talking about all the things we've made up. Things like economics, math, religion, government, social hierarchy, social norms & etiquette, beauty standards, money; any and all ideologies. I am talking about day to day life. None of this is...
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