Discomfort

I will admit that one thing I dislike about being a person without any sort of faith is that I feel sort of empty in that I lost belief in any and all magic. Losing your religion you also lose the ability to gaslight yourself into thinking someone or something else is in control and pulling strings in your life and therefore you don't need to worry about anything. Losing the mindset of, 'things always work out like they are supposed to,' is very logical but it is also pretty scary. 

I do miss being able to feel a sort of connection to nature and the universe. That is something I am almost desperate to get back. But, I find it very difficult when my brain is so determined to remind me that I am just a member of a species of primate with a very finite life on a rock hurtling through space. That can feel pretty bleak. And I have been feeling pretty down lately. I miss when I used to be able to self soothe by telling myself some bullshit. I have developed such black and white thinking on the topic of spirituality it's a little scary. And I overthink and try to intellectualize everything instead of feeling anything. 

I know what I want. I want to be able to recapture my connection with nature. Because even though I don't feel there is a creator or a higher power in the form of a deity, I understand that this planet is special and I am a part of life; of everything, and made from the same ingredients as the stars. I miss feeling connected to the earth. I miss feeling connected to everything. But I want to find that connection without it turning into a religious or spiritual thing. I don't want to find connection through a god or spirits (I don't believe those exist), or witchcraft or any religion be or eastern or western. 

I know that if I can somehow reconnect and remember my place as a finite creature on this planet that gets to have a fully conscious experience, I will be in a way better place mentally and emotionally. I mean, I was able to think my way out of religion, I should be able to think my way into something else. But, so far I have just felt disconnected and hollow.