Who I Am Today

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I have changed a lot in the last three years. A lot. I have been thinking about that recently and I have a feeling that if certain people who have known me for most of my life, had a deep conversation with me today, they would be afraid and disappointed. They would definitely be upset. They wouldn't recognize me at all. I have deviated so much from what I was indoctrinated to believe that a lot of people wouldn't recognize me at all. They certainly wouldn't be able to relate to me. I think they would be terrified, honestly. I would bet they would be very uncomfortable. Maybe some would be intrigued. Most would be afraid. Maybe not afraid of me, really, but afraid of what they would learn. I think they would be very uncomfortable if the things I said challenged their belief system; what they use to understand reality and purpose and right/wrong. They would likely think about me and who they understood me to be, and wonder if they too, might be deceived by Satan to turn their back on God, if they really thought critically about their beliefs. I can see how that would be unnerving. 

I'm not out to change anybody's mind. I certainly don't want to hurt anybody. I am also a little afraid of being outcast from the local society, based on my views. But, at the same time I would really like to have an open discussion about how I have come to the place I am now. I think it would be an interesting dialogue. I don't harbor anger anymore, aside from being really bothered by how religion is infiltrating our lives, via elected officials. But, I don't fault people for believing in God. Some people would not be able to survive or live a life with any kind of joy, if they didn't have their religion. Not to mention, they could never fathom this life being all there is. I think that is at the root of it all. They are terrified that this is all we get and they simply cannot wrap their heads around that being a possibility, let alone a probability.     

This change hasn't been all roses. In fact, I probably made things harder for myself by deconverting from my faith prior to three years of traumatic experiences. I have been in some dark places. I'm not sure if I would have less depression if I was still trusting God through all this, but I do feel like I am at least not deluding myself. There are some harsh realities that I have had to come to terms with and some that I am still coming to terms with. I get angry now. That didn't really used to happen. I feel unloved and unlovable, a lot. I feel ugly at times. I used to have a lot of confidence. I don't anymore. I am not the girl who spearheaded tackling hunger anymore. That version of me is gone. I don't know if I would want it back if I had the chance.  

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