Relationship Epiphany

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 I just realized something about myself. 

I just figured out why my marriage works and why it has issues sometimes. 

Believe it or not, it came to me while listening to/watching the video for Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails. To me, that song is everything I want a partner to think/feel about me. To me, that song is so hot. 

Today it occurred to me why that is and it made me take pause. In order for me to love someone deeply, I have to be loved, needed and even above that, wanted by my partner. I want to hang the damn moon. And, I have that most of the time. 

My need to be desired is probably the strongest need I have as far as my relationship goes. I have subconsciously made myself indispensable to my husband. I sometimes complain about how much he needs me to handle everything but deep down I think that I did that 100% by design. I made it so he can't live without me. Holy shit! 

That song by NIN is a perfect example of how I expect to be thought of. I guess I am a little more toxic than I realized. Huh! Do I dare delve further into that or sit with that realization and approach things with more grace? 


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