A Little Backstory

It is a major struggle to uninstall programming that is wound so tightly in the fabric of my psyche. This is something I have noticed in the past year. 2020 has truly been a year of transformation for me. I have had some baby steps in this direction previously, but this year was a giant leap forward to what would be called “a woke state,” by those who care to label things. Even though I am coming to grips with who I really am at this stage of life and what I really believe to be true about life’s big questions, I still find myself falling back into old thought patterns and habits from time to time.

I was not raised by religious parents, but I was raised around some very religious extended family members. My parents felt it was necessary to raise us in a church so that we could grow up with some idea of Christianity and could make informed decisions about faith as adults that were based on experience and knowledge. They themselves were neither fans of the organized church and as soon as we were old enough to make up our own minds about church in their eyes, they stopped going to church altogether, which at the time I did not understand. They went back to their own hybrid theories about God and the Bible and they avoided organized religion aside from a family baptism or event. I eventually did the same thing, but we didn’t make it as far with my kids. I quit going to services when they were in elementary school, opting only to help where made to feel obligated. Their minds were made up about the methodist church in middle school and both have formed their own opinions and hybrid theories about religion, both having bad experiences that made them feel unwelcome. I’m sad to admit it took me so long to allow myself to embrace my own thoughts and opinions about how gross the organized christian church is in America. The methodist church in our little town is not exempt. In fact, it's probably the case in point. 

I have always been a people pleaser to a fault. Always trying so hard to walk the line, follow the rules, be a good girl and never disappoint anyone. Especially the aforementioned members of my extended family. I used to form my entire identity based on whether or not I could measure up to the standards and expectations of these people and it eventually spilled into my career, my marriage and my personal life and so on and so forth. My entire sense of self was derived from (if I am being honest) what other people thought of me. Was I good enough? Did I measure up? And this became a huge roadblock for my personal growth. It made me into a doormat and it prevented me from being able to explore my actual personal thoughts, feelings and beliefs in fear of stepping outside of those expectations. I shoved those down deep and tried to ignore them. I felt like those things were the evil in me and that there was something wrong with me and was taught those kinds of thoughts were the devil trying to trick me. When those questions and thoughts would crop up I would become afraid of them. I would tell myself they made me a bad person, because that’s what the Sunday school teacher told me. 

What I have come to realize is that those things the Sunday school teacher told me were total bullshit. They were part of a very specific narrative. Don’t question the Bible. Ever.           

I admit that I have had doubts about the God of the Bible since I was a teenager and old enough to start asking big questions. I have always been a big thinker. I have found some answers. As I have aged and found solace in the comfort of some answers, the questions have become more complex. The more complex questions always bring up the big quandaries of the past, but taking them up a notch. God, for me, like many people who are drawn to the big questions in life, is the BIG question. Who or what is God, and are the things I was taught about this all my life, the one and only true answer?

After years of struggle and internal conflict I have finally come to the realization that the answer to that BIG question about whether the Bible is the one truth is NO. Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than that. And let me tell you, this is a programming and belief system that is so ingrained into my psyche that it has been an existential crisis, coming to terms with my journey of finding out that everything I thought I understood was incorrect, largely fabricated and just a bunch of men trying to control people through an outdated random collection of writings. Talk about a tough pill to swallow. The year 2020 has been my biggest spiritual growth year to date, with 2014 coming in as a close second (and in retrospect was an important stepping stone to where I find myself today, on this journey of understanding).