Living Authentically

My resolution for 2021 is a goal to live a more authentic life. This is to build upon all of the changes and the growth 2020 brought me. My goal for 2020 was to overcome some of the anxiety I carried. I ended up doing that through some tough shadow work and what that revealed about me. Once I began addressing those issues I was able to let go of a lot of the stress I carried. It was a pretty successful period of growth. So, I wanted to keep pushing forward in 2021 by living based on what I was able to overcome. 

So, what does it mean to live a more authentic life? What does this mean specifically?

Well, the main thing I am having to get past is making all of my decisions and living according to the expectations of other people. I have uncovered that a lot of the reasons for this have actually been related to ego and are out of fear of the possible consequences from people who are displeased by my failure to meet their expectation. I have always lived a very curated existence as far as I had a need for people to see me as a good person and I always thought this was achieved by helping others and not only meeting but exceeding their expectations. What this led to was an attempt at perfection that was an identity impossible to keep up but it was inauthentic. I have rarely allowed myself to be my authentic self. I always lived for other people.

Exit 2020 and I left that year not only more open eyed and open minded, but also an atheist. 

This presents a big conundrum for me. In order to live authentically I should be able to let it be known that I have left the faith. I should be able to dress, act, enjoy, create, work, and love however I want, based on this. If I am being honest about who I am finding my true self to be I shouldn't keep it under wraps. 

I understand that I am under no obligation to announce my beliefs or lack thereof. I am not required to explain myself to anyone. But, when someone speaks to me about something and they bring up Christianity and look to me for validation and agreement do I smile and nod or do I tell them the truth? If I don't speak up does that make me a coward? Because I can't imagine many scenarios where this information would be accepted in a positive way and in fact I can see it actually causing some harm.

I am starting by removing myself from groups and activities where this might become an issue. This is in part because I want to avoid causing issues and also because I frankly either disagree with them or I just don't have a good reason to stick around. Doing so would send a message of association that I am no longer interested in. This will be a gradual thing.

But I start thinking about friends and family and how they would take the news. I don't mean my parents. They're cool. And my father in law is an atheist as well, so that's a non issue. I'm talking about lifelong girlfriends, acquaintances, parents of my children's friends, my extended family, etc. Most Christians and especially conservative ones, are not ready to hear something like that. There is no situation in which a conversation on this topic goes well or where they accept it without casting me out and by extension, my kids. 

I think about my best friend since the 6th grade. She and I are so different and our differences have only expanded over the years. We don't really have a close relationship anymore and living several states apart only hit the high spots when we do talk. But, how would she handle this news? I feel like she would be so devastated. It would actually harm her to think of me choosing hell. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even my brothers would have a similar reaction. There's a good chance that the people in the community would start looking at me like some evil witch and not want me to coach their children and would avoid anything I am involved with. 

Christians are not prepared for this idea or conversation and they take any questioning of their religion as a personal attack. They will not listen and are not interested in the reasons someone leaves he faith. They just have to go on assuming that evil has won and taken over that person's heart and they will have no choice except to separate from them. I don't want that. I don't want to hurt people. 

I think what I will do is, as my children leave the nest over the next few years I will take that time to wean myself off from the community. Lets be honest, that person they admire or befriended isn't even real anyway, to an extent. I will slowly withdraw from the public eye locally. By the time my daughter is out of high school and living her truth in three years, I can leave behind the last of these roles that could be problematic and I can be free of the curated persona. I can enjoy life in a truly authentic way without the fear of causing disillusionment for others or hurting them in any way. I can just go live.