Not Liked, So Much

Up until this time last year I had built my entire identity and sense of self worth around people liking me. I wasn't fully aware that this was the case, yet I actively positioned myself and made decisions (including communication style) based on what I thought would win people over. My self esteem came directly from my ability to make myself seen as always reliable, friendly and selfless. The hardest pill to swallow for me was when I encountered someone who no matter how hard I worked, I could not win them over or get them to like me. It felt like a personal attack. When I steeped back and looked at it, I realized that I used people's like for me and their trust in me as leverage to position myself how I wanted and get where I wanted in my career and in certain circles. I'm not sure if that would be true manipulation, since I had earned the respect, but when I think about it I do feel a little icky.

As I maneuvered 2020 and the isolation it brought with it, I had a lot of time for self reflection. My shadow work revealed these toxic traits and I began to recognize them. As 2020 swirled on and there became the drastic political divide, I started noticing that not only were people NOT LIKING me as much, but some people who I considered family and friends began treating me like an enemy. This was because they were on the Trump side of what was going on and I was not. Their whole perception of me changed because I didn't fall in line. Me not falling in line was NOT something they were accustomed to. In fact, I had worked hard to be on the same team as these people, so the fact that I disagreed on what they felt were some big deal points, made them but up a barrier. 

So, my work toward accepting the fact that not everyone has to like me and that being liked by everyone actually skewed my authentic self got thrown into high gear and it continues today. The difference is, I am not clamming up and refusing to let people know where I stand so to let them go on believing I am an ally in every situation. I may be sabotaging myself by being myself a this point, but so be it. 

The biggest takeaway right now is that I am still worthy. I am still reliable and trustworthy and a person of integrity. I am still kind. But I am done with the bullshit. I am done playing nice, being submissive and meek just to preserve a version of myself that isn't even really true. 

People are going to pull away from me, especially those who used to take advantage of my being a doormat in fear of them not liking me for saying no thank you. I am getting used to it. I am growing more comfortable with people not being a fan.