The Great Unraveling

For me to be able to move on and be content with something I have to know that I have reconciled everything on the topic and made peace with it. That's why this blog is so cathartic. It gives me an outlet to vent frustrations, sort out thoughts and feelings and get them out of my head so I can stop obsessing about them. The other aspect of this reconciliation process that I have noticed is how much I do enjoy learning about new things. I get a lot of satisfaction and entertainment from diving in and consuming a bunch of information on a topic to better understand. That truth is one of the BIG contributing factors of my eventual rejection of the Bible. I had too many questions that needed answers and when I finally got up the courage to seek those answers they revealed things that let me finally release myself.  

What has happened over the last year as a result of all of this objective research is what I can only describe as a great unraveling. Little by little I am pulling at the stitches and winding the yarn back into a neat ball that I can set aside and discard. The more I learn, the more the Bible unravels. The more the story and premise of creation by intelligent design, unravels. The more the idea of heaven and hell unravels. The more Christianity itself, unravels. So by extension, what I thought I knew about the basis for right and wrong unravels. The way I viewed life and the world around me unravels. The idea of sin unravels. It's like each row of stitches that unravels takes a little weight off. 

It has left me with some feelings of confusion at times, as the basis of my entire world view and upbringing come crashing down. Things that were repeatedly presented and taught to me about the world around me, my role in it, and how to determine good from bad, now not a factor. Where do you go from there? How do you undo so much brainwashing? 

The answer is, it's a process. 

One thing that is unraveling that I didn't quite expect is my expectations in life. This is not a negative thing. In fact it is a very freeing thing. It's a positive thing. What it is, is a license to let go of feeling special or chosen. Life is just life. That's what I am learning. I had been led to believe that as a child of God, I was special and that everything that happened to me that was what I considered bad, was a lesson from God meant to show me something. I also was taught that I could pray myself out of discomfort and God would hear me and come to the rescue. Clearly these contradict each other. So, part of my stress during a tough time was either feeling like God wanted me to become stronger through challenges or I felt ignored and unworthy when God didn't fix my problems for me. I felt punished. 

When making big decisions I would ask God to guide me and then whatever my conviction became, I convinced myself I was following what God wanted me to do and if (when) those things failed or otherwise didn't work out I took it as a personal failure. I let God down. 

When everything is built around being special, feeling special and this whole "God's purpose for my life" narrative, I learned that you are pretty much setup for disappointment. That's okay though because remember this life supposed to suck and is only temporary because: heaven. Ugh. 

The truth is, letting go of all that purpose stuff and all that God is teaching or punishing through hardship or whatever; if you just take life at face value instead of trying to cram it into a weird religion box, there's a lot less stress. 

This doesn't mean turning away from helping others and it also doesn't mean that life is empty and without meaning. In fact, I would argue that it gives life MORE meaning. If this is all I get, it makes me want to be more patient and more understanding. It makes me want to be more loving and take nothing for granted. 

I am full of wonder.