More Awe and Wonder

Deconstruction is such a journey. It's such a list of phases. From fear to anger to acceptance and from trying to label and have all the answers to abandoning all labels and being okay with NOT having all the answers. I think we try so hard at first, to find the "truth" because we have been led to believe the Bible was the only truth. So, if we are leaving that all behind, there must be something to replace it with. Something that feels like an equivalent, sure answer. What you discover and eventually have to come to terms with is that we don't know the truth. We can't know until we actually die and experience it for ourselves. 

People who are believers have no concept of what it is like to be a non-believer. They try to come up with ways of understanding. The problem is, their concepts are all within the framework of their religion and it does not allow them to accept or comprehend a life outside of the church and Christianity. 

At this point I am still standing by the idea of the God of the Bible not being a thing; let alone the creator of everything. The Bible itself doesn't prove that. If anything, it complicates everything instead of explaining everything. It's why there are so many interpretations. So, I am open to the idea of there being something out there and I am perfectly fine not being able to define or understand what that thing may be, if it exists. But, I am quite convinced that the "thing" is not the Christian God of the Bible. Like, not at all. I am open to there being something and I am okay with not knowing what that something is. 

Back to the believers and their fear and lack of understanding of the non-believer who grows up in the faith only to abandon it as an adult. Because they have been taught they are broken and ill and in need of a savior they feel great worry for those who wander away. They remember that story of Jesus and the one sheep who got lost and they picture themselves as Jesus going after that lost sheep (the person who left the church) and bringing them back to God. They can only imagine that person is living an empty life devoid or hope and purpose. They can't imagine someone living a life of peace and happiness without the Lord in it. Either that or they get defensive and territorial, assuming the person leaving the faith is doing so to get back at God or because they want to live an immoral life free from judgement. That's not it. 

Well, then what is it like?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can tell you that my experience since working through the anger and confusion, has been a really peaceful one. I feel so free to experience the life I have been given. I feel so much better about rolling with the punches of life and I see my existence as more of a gift when thinking of it as being by happenstance then when it was being thought of as a gift from some higher being. My understanding of what life and existence are has changed. My feelings about my role on this planet and in the universe, has changed. The things I see as important and those I see as trivial has changed. My priorities have also changed. 

What does that mean?

It means that I truly see what the ego is. I understand that the need for religion in many cases is in response to the ego because the human ego, the dark side of us, cannot come to terms with the idea of us ceasing to exist, one day. It used to be all about explaining the unexplainable things about the world around us. Now that we have a better understanding of the world and what is outside of it, we don't need those crutches anymore. So instead Gods are a way to reconcile the human fear of life being fleeting and without rhyme or reason. Then to them, nothing makes sense.  

I feel less afraid. I feel more allowed to embrace my life and enjoy it for what it is, knowing full well it will end at some point. I am in awe. In awe of the idea of being a piece of the universe that can think about itself. I feel so lucky. Lucky to be here as Jessica, for a while. The fact that I could be here, completely by accident and get to experience a life on Earth as Jessica is a pretty nice deal. Being alive feels so much more important and meaningful to me without the Bible or religion. It seems like it would be the opposite. Peculiar, for sure. Instead of trying to do all the mental gymnastics necessary to make the Bible and what IT SAYS, make sense, I can just know that nothing makes sense. And that's OKAY!  

I don't feel like a ship out to sea, adrift without an anchor or a sail. I feel more at peace then I ever have before.