Connection Need

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Now that I have let go of my faith in the Bible and Christianity; something I always knew I needed to do but was too afraid to face it. I do miss feeling connected to something. I know that living based on religion is pointless and even can be harmful. But, I miss feeling like I am connected to the universe. A part of things. Because, I am part of everything. I know that's true. Made of elements; of star dust. Floating on a breeze. 

I miss feeling connected to nature. I miss feeling like I can listen to my intuition. I have been in a phase of nothingness, since leaving religion behind. I am not looking for a new age "spirituality" either. I don't want to be trading one superstition for another. But, I do want to embrace some sort of feeling of connectedness. And I can do that without believing in a creator God or worshipping anything. 

I started looking into my ancestry. Specifically, the women who are my ancestors who lived in times prior to Christian colonization. I want to learn about their world, their practices and their beliefs. I want to feel connected to them. Because that is where I came from. 

I have been drawn to the Scottish branch of my ancestors. They were the last to come to the US, arriving here in the early 1900's. My great grandfather came here as a teenager from Scotland and his parents followed soon after. To me, that means that is my most direct line to my ancestors who were immigrants. I have started reading about Scottish folklore and "witchcraft" to try and paint a picture for myself about the life of these women, prior to the witch hunts and forced conversion to Christianity. I am hoping that by connecting with my ancestors I can regain the feeling of connection with this planet and a deeper understanding of who I am. I have Scottish roots on my Dad's side of the family as well, with my ancestors immigrating from a different area of the country about 100 years earlier than my great-grandfather on my mother's side. Lots of Scottish blood. 

Existential crises are real. I have been struggling with disassociation and derealization as a result of my faith deconstruction. It appears I do need to replace my Christian faith with something else. Again, not as something else to worship, but something to feel connected to. 

I feel a weird mix of feelings, not wanting to fall into some other "faith" practice that is just as absurd as the one I left. The main reason I left the other was due to it being clearly untrue. If I am on the search for truth, it doesn't make sense to embrace ANYTHING without a good reason. I am not looking for a belief system. I want connection. 

I bought a book about Scottish lore and witchcraft and I have ordered a shadow book and a new fountain pen. I want to create a practice for myself that brings me back around to the basics. Back to my ancestors. Back to a feeling of being part of this universe. I am ready to embrace this next part of my journey. A private quest for connectedness; not with people, but with existence. 

 

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